


Buzzcut Season

by OhHolyHell



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Cancer, Kylux - Freeform, M/M, Soft Kylux, Terminal Illnesses, irish hux, not a happy fic, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-10
Updated: 2016-08-10
Packaged: 2018-08-07 22:59:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7733113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OhHolyHell/pseuds/OhHolyHell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>I remember when your head caught flame</i><br/>It kissed your scalp and caressed your brain<br/>Well you laughed, baby it's okay<br/>It's buzzcut season anyway</p><p> </p><p>Hux is fighting a losing battle with his own body and all Kylo can do is watch.</p><p>Inspired by the Lorde song of the same name.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Buzzcut Season

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so I know the song isn't about cancer or death but we'll go with it.
> 
> Just to warn, my knowledge of cancer and its symptoms are pretty limited so please don't be too harsh on me. 
> 
> Also, Phasma's first name (Aella) is a Greek name meaning storm which I thought was fitting.

_I remember when your head caught flame, It kissed your scalp and caressed your brain, Well you laughed, baby it's okay, It's buzzcut season anyway_

It was the seventh time in as many days that Hux had woken up with a _burning_ headache. He slipped from Kylo's arms as gently as possible, to avoid waking him up and softly padded to the bathroom. 

The bright light made the pain in his head crescendo to an almost unbearable level and he scrambled to hit the switch off, groaning in pain. Breathing deeply, Hux felt his way over to the sink and pulled the cable to the mirror light. He fumbled into the medicine cabinet behind the mirror and grabbed the now nearly empty bottle of ibuprofen and took one the bright pink pills, sticking his head under the tap to gulp some water. 

Hux pressed his forehead to the cool mirror, relishing in the slight relief. Breathing deeply, Hux didn't even hear Kylo enter the bathroom and shrieked as he straightened up to see the huge, dark shadow of his partner behind him in the dimly lit bathroom. Kylo put his big hand on Hux's shoulder and spun him around to look at his face, concern in his eyes.

"Headache?" Hux nodded and Kylo hummed sadly, pulling him into his arms. Focussing on his breathing and blocking out the pain, Hux didn't even notice when Kylo started speaking but he caught the tail end of what he was saying. "...Hospital, see what's wrong." Hux groaned, trying to remind Kylo how much he hated hospitals but it was to no avail, once Kylo got an idea, he was stubborn about it 'till he went through with it.

After a night of fitful sleep, Hux's head tucked tightly against Kylo's chest, they dressed and Kylo drove the two of them to the hospital. They managed to get an appointment for the same day and when the time came, Hux left Kylo in the waiting room with a kiss on the cheek and a promise to not be long. 

As five minutes, then ten, then twenty passed, Kylo started to get a little stressed, fiddling with his hair, nails and clothes as he waited. He had seen Hux being lead around from room to room, him and the doctor looking more stressed and haggard each time. 

"Hi!" The tall, blonde doctor clicked over to him in her (wholly unnecessary) high heels, with Hux trailing behind her, tiredly. "My name's Doctor Phasma but you can call me Aella, seeing as you'll be seeing a lot of me!" Dr Phasma's voice was bright but her eyes betrayed her sadness. "See you later Armitage. Kylo." That wasn't good. If Hux has told this doctor his highly protected first name, then something really wrong.

"Let's go home then shall we love?" The question in Kylo's eyes was left unanswered by Hux as he avoided his boyfriend's gaze, holding out his hand for Kylo to take. "Please just let's." Hux's voice is quiet and broken and Kylo takes his hand without a word.

The drive home was silent as Kylo tries to wonder what could possibly be so wrong. Halfway through the hour journey, Hux's hand found it's way to rest on Kylo's thigh, squeezing gently as Kylo cast him worried looks.

The moment they got into the flat and closed the door, Hux's breath had caught his throat, creating a desperate, gasping sob, as he buried his face into Kylo's back, the former still frozen, placing his keys into the bowl by the door. Kylo gently turned in the circle of his boyfriend's arms, pulling him close to him. 

"Hux, Hux baby, what's wrong? Just tell me what she said." It was a while before Hux calmed down enough to be taken over to the sofa. The two sat cross legged, facing each other as Hux began to speak. 

"At first she just told me to drink more water, get more sleep etcetera, standard stuff you know, but then I told her that I really _couldn't_ so she said we should do a PET scan and-" Hux's mouth opened and closed as he tried to find the words. Kylo grabbed his hands, covering Hux's small, freckled hands with his own large paws and Hux took a deep breath to begin again. "-I lit up like disco ball Kylo, fucking lights everywhere, seven tumours in all, the most they've ever seen did you know?" He let out an almost startled, sarcastic laugh and just looked at Kylo, imploring. Kylo honestly didn't know what that meant, let alone what to say, so he said nothing, eyes wide, staring blankly back at his boyfriend. 

That night, as Hux slept lightly, with a frown on his face, Kylo crept out of bed, to the bathroom. He filled a glass of water and left it, along with the bottle of ibuprofen and slipped down to Hux's office, switching on the computer and cringing at the volume of the Windows chime. He spent a good while researching what Hux had said earlier and getting deeper and deeper into the internet, finding more and more worrying sites that told him nothing good. After half an hour, Kylo, still shaken, headed downstairs and poured himself two fingers of Hux's favourite Midleton whiskey, settling into the armchair, mind reeling. 

Around two in the morning, Hux came down to see the dark shape of his partner in the arm chair, next to a half empty bottle of what he assumed was his Midleton. 

"Ah, drinking alone in darkness, in the middle of the night. Classy." He grit his teeth against the fire in his brain and sauntered over to the arm chair, sinking onto the arm and stroking Kylo's hair. "What's the occasion?" He received no answer but an almost blank look, tinged with sadness. Hux continued to stroke Kylo's dark curls, not noticing the silent tear sliding down his cheek until he looked back down to see his boyfriend's red eyes and trembling lip. "Oh darlin," he whispered, using the hand in Kylo's hair to tug his head to his chest to cling to him for dear life. As sobs began to rack Kylo's body, he dropped the glass he was holding and threw his arms around Hux's torso. "Careful, Ren, don't go wasting my alcohol, expensive stuff that is." He got a watery laugh in reply, rumbling against his stomach and carried on talking, making idle chit chat with no-one as he gently swayed, in an attempt to calm his boyfriend down. 

"That's from Midleton, y'know." Kylo did know, but it didn't matter, the soft baritone of Hux's voice was soothing; if you ignored the cracks here and there. "...grew up there, lovely little house. We never did go to see my parents did we? Probably would have gone as well as when we met yours honestly..." The two fell asleep in the early hours of the morning, clinging to each other and dreaming of a little house in Ireland, meeting Hux's yelling parents.

Kylo couldn't concentrate on work that day and arrived home to a neat note, pinned to the fridge with a darth vader magnet that Hux had gotten him on a business trip to Paris. It was from Hux, simply saying that he had another hospital appointment and would be home soon. An hour later, Hux arrived with three cartons of Chinese from their favourite place and a fresh bottle of Whiskey.

They chatted about their days, Kylo carefully refusing to ask about the appointment until Hux brought it up. He did just that as they were setting the table for dinner. 

"So... My appointment." Kylo looked up and swallowed but said nothing. "They want me to start chemo a.s.a.p, but they're not sure if it will actually do anything, it's a bit _much_ for them to deal with but, Phasma says that they'll do all they can." The way Dr Phasma is described and talked reminded Kylo of hux, no nonsense or sugar coating, just the facts, like it or not. The atmosphere in the dining room lightened after that and they talked and laughed, softened by the alcohol and full stomachs. 

Kylo, having no work the next day, stayed up, watched over Hux for a while, relieved that he seemed to be a lot more comfortable than usual, with no crease between his eyes and a slight smile on his face. Satisfied, Kylo settled down to sleep, only to wake up to cold sheets. The dreadful feeling that poor Hux had again woken with a headache hit him, before he opened his eyes and realised that Hux had already left for work. 

It was a little over a week later when Hux informed him, just before work, that he was taking the day off to have his first chemotherapy session. They had held each other for twenty minutes before they realised they were going to be late and rushed off, with a chaste goodbye kiss.

When Hux returned home, he was so, _so_ tired and could barely eat a thing, curling into Kylo's lap and groaning softly. After a few times, Hux stopped being able to get out of bed in time for work, despite his incessant bleating that he could work 'perfectly well, thank you' and 'didn't need any sodding time off work'. He also stopped being able to drive himself to the hospital. On the sixth week of chemo, Hux's once shiny copper hair started to thin and strands would flutter out when Kylo ran his hands through it. He kept gelling it back anyway though, as if to kid himself and Kylo that it wasn't happening, that it wasn't real.

When it was time to shave his head, Hux resolutely walked down the street, head held high, towards the hairdressers. The act was good and probably would have fooled Kylo if he couldn't feel the death grip that Hux had on his hand. When he was sat in the chair, he seemed fine, even if his breath did catch a little as the razor buzzed over his scalp. His ginger hair mimicked the autumn leaves outside as it fell to the ground in chunks. 

They went straight to the bathroom to properly survey the haircut when they got home and made an occasion out of binning the sticky hair gel that Hux used so often, with two fingers of whiskey each. Two fingers turned into four, which turned into a whole glass and by the halfway point in the bottle, they were on the floor of the loo, giggling about how dumb Hux looked. Suddenly, Kylo ghosted his fingers over his partner's head and started to cry quietly. 

"It's okay, baby, it's okay," Hux's smile was wry as he finished, "Buzzcuts are in these days." 

**Author's Note:**

> I was going to let him live. I really was.
> 
> Drop by my [Tumblr?](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/lets-ship-everything)
> 
> EDIT: This wasn't even finished and I accidentally pressed the wrong button but I'm leaving it up so thank you all for the love! <3


End file.
